Fixing disembodied actions

Problem: body parts acting independently of character

Her eyes wandered to the corners of the room,
leery of something jumping at her from the shadows. 

“eyes wandered” suggests her eyeballs left her head and moved around the room. Unless your character is a monster with projectiling eyestalks, that’s not going to happen. Besides, what is the rest of her body doing while her eyes are moving around the room? Working with the whole person provides a much richer reading experience.

The first thing to do is get those eyes back in her head. Focus on what they are doing. Eyes see. So focus on the purpose.

Leery of something jumping at her from the shadows,
she leaned on the door jamb, sweeping her gaze through
the darkened corners of the room.

‘Gazing”, “searching”, “staring”, or “glaring” is what eyes do. So you’re improving your descriptive detail with a more specificity. Two things this lovely longer sentence does: (1) it puts the character’s reasoning up front, and (2) it lets the reader fully see the character physically as she acts to counter her fear.

Another thing…

A third thing this longer sentence can do? Affect pacing. Longer sentences slow down the reader, let them relax, ease into complacency…

Then using the added impact of white space, the author can start a new paragraph and surprise readers with a short, sharp sensory detail.

Leery of something jumping at her from the shadows,
she leaned on the door jamb, sweeping her gaze through
the darkened corners of the room.

Clatter! Whoosh! Broken beams of light flooded the room.

She raised her gun and swung the barrel toward the light.

Something massive and covered in scales slithered
over the marble sill. It rattled the window’s broken
blinds with its spiky tail before dropping out of sight.

Another example, some nuance

This same disembodied affliction can befall hands, feet, arms and legs.

Her arms wrapped around him.

Problems: (1) disembodied again, and (2) unless her arms are several feet longer than average, her body is going to come in contact with his, too. Problem (3) is a little more nuanced and depends on the answer to the question “Whose POV is it?”

POV: hers

If the POV is hers, fix the disembodied arms as above. And remember, her motivations drive your descriptive word choices. Let’s start with benevolence and comfort:

She grasped his shoulders and pulled him into
the cradle of her body. “Be still,” she murmured
against the top of his head.

Here we have “grasped”, which is softer than “clutched” or “yanked”. and choosing “cradle” imparts a tone of wanting to comfort, “murmuring” is soft.

Now, let’s show ill intent:

She grabbed his shoulders and caged his body against hers. “Be still!” she barked when he continued to struggle.

Here we have “grabbed” and “caged” to show violence to her actions. and “barked” to show violence in her voice.

POV: his

If the POV is his, focus on his feelings as she brings her arms and body up around him. What was her purpose for touching him? Does he see her as benevolent and comforting or is he suspicious and reluctant?

So here again, we have benevolence and comfort — and he knows it.

She pulled him close. He fell against her,
clutching at her shirt. “Be still,” she murmured,
and he sagged in relief.

Ill intent – and he knows it.

When she grabbed his shoulder, yanking
him off his feet, he struggled and screamed.
“Be still!” she barked and he bit her hand.

Questions?

Do you have questions about disembodied body parts, self-editing, or writing in general? Drop me a comment below.

~ Lara

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